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Keeping spirits up !

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-25, 1:08 pm

Paddy and Seamus are in a boarding house in London writing letters home. Paddy stops writing and says... "Hey, Seamus, how do you spell "dattle"?
"Jaysus, sure I've never even heard that word before, how would ya use it in a sentence?"
"I said...Dear Ma, please send a woolly jumper dattle fit me"
Seamus just about pisses himself laughing and when he finally calms down he says... "It's idiots like you that get the Irish a bad name....there's no such word as dattle, ya feckin gobshite...the word that ye want is ...wattle."
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-25, 1:11 pm

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 10:18 am

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 10:20 am

I'm going to the local transvestite night later.


There are no rules . . . . we just eat, drink and be Mary Smile
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 10:21 am

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 10:24 am

I've just released my own fragrance. . . . . but nobody on this bus seems to like it !
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 10:25 am

Three years ago my doctor told me that I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since !
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 10:27 am

I'm sorry that I haven't been in touch, but a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous

mole removed from his penis . . . . he won't be shagging one of those again !
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Post  Vincemac on 2020-06-29, 1:57 pm

Back in the sixties Liverpool FC approached the Actor Yul Bryner to advertise a brand of cologne for them, but he turned them down.....because as we all know, Yul never wore cologne!
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-29, 7:49 pm

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Post  Sid MCFC on 2020-06-30, 12:35 pm

I was talking to a Chinese drug addict the other day.

He said “Have you seen my cocaine?”

I said “ Not since I last watched Zulu”
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Post  cyprussyd on 2020-06-30, 2:53 pm

Sid MCFC wrote:I was talking to a Chinese drug addict the other day.

He said “Have you seen my cocaine?”

I said “ Not since I last watched Zulu”
now that made me laugh, Michael Cane is one of my heroins

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Post  Sid MCFC on 2020-06-30, 3:32 pm

cyprussyd wrote:
Sid MCFC wrote:I was talking to a Chinese drug addict the other day.

He said “Have you seen my cocaine?”

I said “ Not since I last watched Zulu”
now that made me laugh, Michael Cane is one of my heroins
Oi, stop upstaging me.  Wink
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-06-30, 5:38 pm

A boy complains to his father . . . .
"You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks 'cos it would impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to mention one thing !"
Father: "Really, what ?"
Boy: "That the potato should go in the front." 
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-06, 12:49 pm

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-06, 12:54 pm

At the Pearly Gates !
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel tells them that, unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts that God ever created, and I'm sure that it would please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
Without saying a word, the Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag, drinks it, then wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and screams, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you
turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Explain that to me!'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-06, 12:59 pm

I'm gutted, 'cos my pet mouse, Elvis, just died . . . . he was caught in a trap[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-06, 1:04 pm

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-06, 1:06 pm

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-12, 6:52 pm

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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-12, 6:53 pm

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Am I wasting my time with these ?
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Post  oldblackcat on 2020-07-12, 7:19 pm

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Am I wasting my time with these ?
No mate I enjoy seeing them like
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Post  Gordon Armstrong on 2020-07-12, 8:54 pm

My mate was telling me that last night whilst walking along, he was hit on the head by a couple of sausages.
I said, "That's nothing! I got hit by 4 steaks, 2 pork chops and a leg of lamb."
"What could it have been?" he asked.
"I'm not sure but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"
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Post  Black Cat Kiwi on 2020-07-12, 9:54 pm

Gordon Armstrong wrote:My mate was telling me that last night whilst walking along, he was hit on the head by a couple of sausages.
I said, "That's nothing! I got hit by 4 steaks, 2 pork chops and a leg of lamb."
"What could it have been?" he asked.
"I'm not sure but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"
rof rof rof

Ps. Much better than the Pakistan one.

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Post  Sid MCFC on 2020-07-13, 1:20 pm

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Am I wasting my time with these ?
No, please carry on.  Having said that as a payback for some of the ‘terrible’ ones.

I can swallow 2 pieces of string and when they come out of the other end they are tied together.  
I shit you knot.
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